


Songs of the Shattered

by ILLEGAILE



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - High School, Bittersweet, Dark Thoughts, F/M, Grab A Box of Tissues before Reading, Loss, Love, M/M, One-Shots, Sad Stories, Slash, Teenage Drama, You Have Been Warned, implied suicide, seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-05-27 06:33:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6273538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILLEGAILE/pseuds/ILLEGAILE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“maybe in five years<br/>our paths will cross again<br/>i will tell you how desperately in love i<br/>was<br/>with you<br/>and we can laugh about how<br/>we broke each other’s hearts”<br/>(source: sam-hassall-94.tumblr.com)</p><p>[Inspired by the story of my great friend, cherrywedge. Title from the song Shattered by Trading Yesterday.]</p><p>A compilation of stories, sonnets, and songs of those who were once and never again shattered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

I had a crush on you once, one I admitted to having once we graduated.

We passed each other by, mundane as that sounds, on the bridge.

You waved. I said Hey. And I told you that I had a crush on you for two years, shrugging and smiling.

Because we were friends, and it was fun having a crush on you. You made it fun.

And I remember how your face fell. That was when I realized you didn’t find it as funny.

You asked me why I never said and I was shocked,

Surprised enough to mumble that we’d been with other people at the time.

You shrugged, and asked me where I was headed after.

Backpacking with the boyfriend, I remember telling you.

Ah, you said. We both shrugged this time. And you told me to call if I came around.

And I said sure thing. But I never did. Of course, I didn’t.

Because I kind of liked it as it was,

As a thing that never was in the first place.


	2. Lost [Brocedes]

_And I've lost who I am,_

_and I can't understand-_

_-_

Nico was very, achingly, and infuriatingly normal. And he liked it this way.

He worked hard at it, being so mind-numbingly dull in a way no one else seemed to pull off. That kid in the back of the class with the grades and the blonde hair. He meticulously created the farce of the mask he wore on the day to day. But in truth he had a father who was a notable legend, and a mother who was a beautiful lie. Once upon a time, Nico thought this was his fate too. To be as bright and beautiful as a meteor hurtling hundreds of miles per second into the oblivion of death.

But he was young, with his head in the stars. And that star had fallen the day of the divorce. 

So, he moved out of the house and into a flat. A flatshare in London where he could walk to class every morning and pour over notes in the evening and not be taunted by the strangeness and the depression and the lies. Gone were childhood dreams, and treehouses, and pirate ships, and driving fast cars. In their place, stood mountains of textbooks and the odd empty beer can because his flatmate can't be arsed to get up and toss it in the bin. Where there were possibilities, now stood duties. And where there was once Nico, stood the pale image of a shooting star that died out and floated in space uselessly.

He wants to blame it on his parents. 

That would make him just as much a liar as they are. And if there's one thing Nico doesn't want to be anymore it's a liar. 

-

He was seventeen when it happened. When he fell head-first into love, his fragile heart seeming to beat in tune with him. He who was never named. He had a hoodie on, and it was dark in the cafe. Nico had his laptop under one arm (having been left to study alone for his Final by his friends) and a stranger sitting across from him who wanted all the same things he did and it seemed to good to be true. It took everything Nico had to remind himself he had a girlfriend, that the whispers and lectures and programs he'd have to take if he manifested as out of the norm when it came to gender preference. He would never do it to Vivian. Not when he'd just managed to ask her to the dance.

"I'm sorry, I noticed your wallpaper earlier. It's why I wanted to sit by you." the boy started, pulling his hoodie down to reveal dark eyes and an alarmingly bright smile. Nico wonders if he can make him smile wider, if his pretty mouth was capable of it. ~~And maybe thinking of this stranger's mouth was a bit not good~~.

"You mean" Nico checked his wallpaper of the day, he changed it so often he could barely keep track of himself. It was a pretty edit of Senna that day in his racing overalls and Nico almost grinned manically in delight. "You're a fan?"

"Of Senna?" the boy - Senna Fan - laughs. "The biggest."

And when the boy kisses him at half-past nine at night outside a cafe in Brixton, he lets him.

-

When they meet again, it's almost twenty years later and Nico has just proposed to Vivian at the same cafe in Brixton completely by accident. Vivian couldn't get off of her meeting early enough and he had to wait somewhere, the cafe seemed as good as any so he sat in that same chair where not-normal-Nico sat once with a stranger - a Senna Fan - he never saw again because he was a coward. 

He powers on his phone and laughs when he realizes Vivian has changed his phone wallpaper to Senna in his overalls.

"You're a fan, then?" 

The voice is lower, more suave and silk than it was in their teens, but he recognizes the boy - a man, now. Of course he does.

"The biggest." he grins awkwardly as the dark haired stranger from twenty years ago sits across from him. And this time, when the man has lowered his hoodie, he gapes. Because, the stranger, the one he knew not the name of, who kissed him senseless in an alley near this very cafe was the Formula 1 Racing Champion of the World.

"Fucking hell" he says, louder than he meant to, and Lewis fucking Hamilton laughs at that. The nostalgia hits Nico in the face, leaving a spiral of a smile behind. "Didn't expect you to-"

"Yeah, man. Me too. Me-" Lewis breathes out, a steadying breath. "You look good."

Nico bites on his lip to stop himself from giggling. "I know."

Lewis scoffs at that. "Prat." he rolls his eyes.

"Well, I have just been complimented by a Champion F1 racer. I think I'm allowed to be full of myself." Nico teases, sitting back in the wooden chair that was as uncomfortable as ever.

"I don't-" Lewis shakes his head in embarrassment. "I still don't even know your name." 

 

Nico is about to answer, he really is, when Vivian strolls into his personal space and drops a kiss on his cheek. Lewis face darkens considerably at her appearance. But Vivian looks thrilled.

"Nico, I'm so sorry. Have you been waiting too-" she freezes where she stands. "Are you Lewis Hamilton? How'd you- Oh my God. It's fantastic to meet you." she shakes his hand, her grip firm and friendly completely ignoring the storm clouds gathering in the racing driver's eyes. "I'm so sorry if I interrupted. How do you and Nico know each other? Would you like a minute-"

"No" Lewis says with a startling finality that causes the entire cafe to dissolve into awkward silence. "No, I was just leaving."

He stood and walked calmly to the door, eyes not straying to Nico until he was halfway out the doorframe.

"It was nice to see you, Nico."

And, as if he'd never been, he was gone again. This time, never to return.

He wins the Championship for the 4th time that year and Nico stops watching Formula 1.

-

Nico tries to forget the velvet softness of his voice the one and only time Lewis said his name.

And every night, he kisses his wife and child with the same lips that once touched a beautiful boy with a shining smile and dark eyes.

It's enough, he thinks, that he is no longer lost.


	3. Broken [Sebastidan]

_Why my heart is so broken -_

-

Kimi was not prone to bouts of insecurity or explosions of passion, despite his maverick reputation, if he ever felt intense emotion he expressed them in the quiet way he felt comfortable operating. And the scant few people he’d ever loved, he loved privately so that he would never get hurt.

There was only room in his heart of _two_. The fact that these two people he just so happened to be in love with were the two loudest and most liked people he has ever met should make him laugh. The 5 years he spent pining away at them has made his situation decidedly _un_ funny.

“Kimi?”

Sebastian’s voice. It’s unmistakably him. He would recognize his voice in a crowd of caterwauling children if needed. _Speak of the devil_. The German stared up at Kimi, too blue eyes connecting with his sickly looking ice blue with worry so palpable Kimi had to push away the urge to cough.

He tried so hard – ridiculously hard – not to fall in love with Sebastian.

“I need advice.”

Kimi raised a brow at him, unable to say no but also wary of the context. What kind of advice would he be asking Kimi about? Not homework, he barely passed as it was. Not dating, since Sebastian was very much gay and didn’t like women no matter how much he said otherwise. Not ice hockey, the only redeeming quality about Kimi. Sebastian didn’t see the point of _sliding around on thin ice hitting a circular flat piece of plastic_.

Sebastian seemed to cotton onto the fact that his request was perplexing to Kimi – dubbed Iceman by the undergrads for his lack of facial expression and signature monotone. He cleared his throat, his cheeks blooming red as his eyes started to dart around.

“Advice…” he trailed off with a sigh. “About Dan.”

Kimi wanted to be surprised but it was just the kind of thing he knew would happen to him because he’s just not allowed to have nice things.

Because, while one of the two people Kimi loved was Sebastian, the other happened to be Daniel Ricciardo. Kimi has never been as impatient to be hit by a bus as he was in precisely that moment, the odious laughter of irony echoing in the caverns of his blackened empty heart. Whatever sliver of decency he had was dedicated to the two happiest people on Earth. It’s just poetic that he have no more heart to give after this. After seeing Dan’s shocked face as he walked in on their conversation, as he and Sebastian exchanged soppy love-filled glances.

He’d rather gouge out his eyes than see the hands held as they walked down the hallway, than to hear the laughter he’d once loved be shared between two points in the universe he could never orbit again without then breaking his soul in two.

His margins are filled with words that keep him from his mother’s kitchen knives and his father’s swiss army knife and his brother’s razor blade. With the syllables of his destruction, his depression, and his death at the hands of love. His therapist thinks it’s perfectly normal behavior. Kimi hides his craving for the end well. He’s not the Iceman for nothing.

He composes. He learns the piano. He graduates with an acceptance into Julliard. His works are hailed as the work of a modern Mozart. He is invited to play for Queens and Presidents and Oscar Winners.

The day he gets the invitation to Dan and Sebastian’s wedding, he pierces his skin. And with a sharp cold sting of metal in his inner arm, a deadly dose of cocaine later, the world renowned pianist turned drug addict falls silent.

He is forgotten. He is alone. He no longer feels pain.

 

In one reality, his heart continues to beat in Dan and Seb, each having a half of him they never knew about. And they tell their two children, Mathilda and Matias, about their good high school friend who set them together with fond smiles and anecdotes of his awkward anti-social behavior.

They don’t speak of the suicide. It’s better that way.

 

In another, he retires to the countryside to play occasionally for a loval children's school.

 

In this one, he finds the closest least annoying warm body he can and marries her. She looks nothing like Dan or Seb, sounds nothing like them, and she has his child. And everything is as it should be, even with his heart torn and bleeding out after all these years.

He's not surprised when she leaves and his son grows up and leaves. Everyone leaves.

"Everyone leaves"

They're the words he will take to his grave.


	4. Reject [Brocedes]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I would have had you if I could. I would have had this, coming home to your dumb healthy cooking and playing Mario Kart in the living room and holding your hand while we do grocery shopping. I would have had you if I could.” Lewis said and Nico could cry right now in the middle of the pitman because Lewis did have him. He did. 
> 
> It’s not Nico’s fault Lewis let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's also up on my Tumblr under the name "You Let Me Go (So I Left)".

“Good work today!” Frederica congratulated with a wave, leaving with the wave of reporters. “A lot of people here miss you.” She added, grinning at him over her shoulder.

Nico shook his head at her. “You can keep trying to tempt me but retirement suits me just well, thanks.” He retorted.

Frederica looks at him dubiously and then spots something behind Nico, smiling. “For sure.” She teases, before finally leaving.

Shaking his head, Nico stepped forward to leave finding himself frozen and staring out at the empty track. His fingers twitch for handles, for buttons and dials, for the feel of phantom teal gloves wrapping perfectly around his knuckles. He rubs his hands together to stop the shaking.

When Nico Rosberg left Formula 1, he left a part of his heart there too.

“Nico!” A cautiously joyful voice piped up.

Speak of the devil.

Nico let his show smile bloom on his face as he faced his (former?) best friend and neighbour. “Hey, neighbour.” He greeted, shoving his shaking hands into the pockets of his designer slacks. “Fancy seeing you here.”

Lewis halts a good foot away from him, looking around. Always one for appearances. He wasn’t like that before. He and Nico used to hug and wrestle and give their affection so freely it usually made adults’ noses crinkle in disgust and they wouldn’t give a single damn about it.

They were world champions now, their standards were different. A foot of distance might even be pushing it when angled the right way in a picture. But, the cameras weren’t rolling now and it looks like rain is about to fall with how dark the clouds were becoming.

“It was a great race today.” Lewis started.

Nico raised a brow at him because through all of these awkward conversations of this it looked like Lewis was actually going to go through with it this time. He wasn’t joking when he said he still knew Lewis one hundred percent. The intent in his eyes fizzled out as it normally did in favour of pleasantry and Nico can’t help but feel a bit disappointed. 

“How’re Viv and the kids?” He asked.

Nico felt his heart clench. His wife. His kids. He sighed.

“Perfect.” He breathed, looking out at the track. “Beautiful. Whole.”

If he asked about them what would Nico say? Probably the opposite. It’s how they’ve been for a long time. Flawed, ugly, and fragmented. Twisted beyond comprehension and turned into a monster. 

“How’s the team?” He asked.

Lewis seemed to suck a breath in. “Working well together. Working hard.” He shrugged. “Could be better.” He admitted.

Nico chuckled. “You’re never satisfied. You must have taken it from Niki.” He joked. This was all they were good for now. Teasing. Familiarity. Rivalry. Not love. Never love.

Never again.

“You should get back to the team.” Nico said, feeling the first drops of rain falling from the dark clouds above them. “They’ll want to debrief, I’m sure.” 

When Nico turned to finally look at Lewis, the Brit was staring at him shamelessly. He didn’t even look away when Nico gave him a discomforted look. 

Lewis looked into his eyes seriously. “Alright, Nico.” He nodded faintly. “Alright.”

He didn’t move.

Nico sighed. “I’ll see you at home-” He pivoted.

And was unceremoniously slammed against the wall.

“Lew-” He protested against heated lips grasping and begging for him. Lewis pressed highly against him in a mimicry of simpler times, of better times, of times  _long gone_. 

And Nico, god, he’s feared this for so long. One of them breaking down and giving in one more time. But, he’s also wanted it far too much. Dreamed about it, about giving into the constant pull between them and Lewis’ teeth are pulling at his lower lip the way he knows drives Nico crazy and they have to stop  **now**. 

“Lewis, we talked about this.” He says against lips that don’t stop, never stop. God, Nico’s missed the feel of Lewis’ lips on his. “I thought we agreed-”

“You said you’d see me at home.” Lewis choked halfway through the sentence he’d breathed against Nico’s lips, moisture that definitely wasn’t rainwater falling from his cheeks down to Nico’s. “And I almost thought you meant… that I’d get what I wanted ever since I  _met_  you.”

Nico reached up to cup Lewis’ face with calloused hands and push him away slightly. “Lewis, please-”

“I thought we’d be forever. You know that right?” He insisted. “I would have had you if I could. I would have had this, coming home to your dumb healthy cooking and playing Mario Kart in the living room and holding your hand while we do grocery shopping. I would have had  _ **you**_  if I could.”

“But, you  **did**  have me!” Nico half-shouted, his own tears falling from his face thankfully masked by the rain that fell in thick drops from the sky like heaven was crying for them. “You had me and you  _let me go_.” His voice took on a high whiny tone he didn’t like and he breathed deeply before he could start hyperventilating. He couldn’t believe they were doing this again. “You let me go so many times, Lewis. So many times you could have said I want you back and I would have come back but  _you didn’t_.” He said, finally finding the resolve  to straighten himself out and push away from the wall. 

“You had all the chances, Lewis. This isn’t like a Championship. You don’t get to choose which races you win or lose and still get the trophy. This was love, Lewis. And I’m sorry to break it to you but this was the one race that you couldn’t win.” He hissed, walking resolutely away from Lewis and from the life that kept him tied to the man.

“I wish I had you back.” Lewis said softly, almost too soft to hear. “I just want you back.”

Nico let the rain wash away their tears along with their childish hopes. “It’s too late to decide you want me more than the championship.” He answered. 

“I’m not coming back.”

Formula 1 was in Nico’s blood, Lewis knew he’d never leave the sport behind. Not when Nico loved it as much as he did which was almost as much as Lewis did. That’s why he’d loved Nico so much.

Watching Nico Rosberg leave the track, he knew he’d come back to Formula 1. 

But he’d never come back to Lewis. Never again


End file.
